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Ze Admiral: Rules for a Good Life
Rules for a good life, delivered every weekday morning by a pompous French admiral who rants, at length and with total certainty, about everything you are doing wrong. Ze Admiral is an AI voice. His music: hno-productions.com/ze-admiral
New episodes every weekday, early morning (US Eastern) · about 3 min
A thumb is not an answer
The Admiral wrote his nephew three paragraphs about his hip operation and received a thumb. At sea, a signal is answered with a pennant that says it was understood. Tonight he explains why a thumb can sign a contract, why it cannot answer a letter, and what you will write back instead.
You have made me defend the English
There is an international standard for a cup of tea, the British wrote it, and it says six minutes in a pot. You gave yours twenty seconds from the coffee machine and squeezed the bag with a spoon. Now the Admiral must take the English side, something Nelson never managed.
Your inch is three grains of barley
France measured a piece of the planet to make the metre. You measure your kitchen in barley. The Admiral confiscates your tape measure, defends the Emperor's height, and orders you to mark yours on the kitchen door, in metres.
You have promoted yourself to admiral
At Trafalgar, Nelson changed a word to save flags. This morning you pressed 'reply all' to tell four hundred people thanks. The Admiral did not give you that rank, and he wants it back.
Iced coffee has a proper cup
Cold coffee has a name, a footed porcelain cup and a street in Paris: the mazagran. You drink yours from plastic, through a straw, next to a fridge. The Admiral cannot allow it.
Your cola is stolen French property
It began in Paris as a Bordeaux. It was copied, renamed and drained of its wine. The Admiral wants it back.
The Treaty of Versailles has a clause about your birthday
Germany lost a world war and still signed away the word champagne. You said it at a barbecue. The Admiral would like it back.
Oat milk is forgery
European law says milk comes from a mammary gland. The oat has no glands at all. The Admiral asks one question: where is the oat cheese?
You have imprisoned a cheese
Roquefort has a royal charter, a law and a court ruling. You have put it in the fridge beside the yoghurt. The Admiral is here for the defence.
Ketchup is not a mother sauce
France has five mother sauces. The Admiral would like a word about the bottle on your table.