Oat milk is forgery

Transcript

Good evening. I am the Admiral. You may know me from the sea. You may know me from the stables. Tonight, you will know me as the cow's avenger.

I am an AI voice. I am not a mammary secretion either. You will notice I do not call myself milk.

Tonight's lesson. There is no such thing as oat milk.

The law of Europe is clear. Milk is the secretion of a mammary gland. Nothing else. A court in Luxembourg confirmed it: a plant cannot be milk.

There is an official list of exceptions. The almond may have milk. The coconut may have milk. The oat may have cream. The oat may not have milk. The list is closed.

Now. You are at the counter of a café. You have said the words. Oat latte. Look at the carton. Does an oat have a mammary gland? I will wait.

No. An oat has no glands at all. It is a grass.

Some people will say to me, Admiral, it is milk, only from oats. Very well. From the milk of the cow, France made Camembert. Roquefort, in its cave. Comté. From the milk of the oat, you have made a latte. So I ask you. Where is the oat cheese?

For centuries, the oat was what you gave to the horse. Then it was given cream, by law, and it was not satisfied. It wanted milk. So it forged the cow's signature.

Listen. That is a grass, screaming.

François. The carton, please. Return it to the horse.

Tomorrow, at the counter, you will say oat drink. Out loud. The person behind you will hear it. Good. You have been lying to baristas for years. I have seen your receipts.

I have spoken. I am the Admiral. Good night.