Your wine has stars

Transcript

Good evening. I am the Admiral. You may know me from the sea. You may know me from the stables. Tonight, you will know me as the man who has never asked his telephone what to drink.

I am an AI voice. I have no palate. I still know more about wine than your telephone.

Tonight's lesson. You will not choose your wine by its stars.

In eighteen fifty-five, the Emperor Napoléon the Third wanted the world to see the great wines of Bordeaux at the Exhibition in Paris. So the brokers of Bordeaux ranked them, from first growth down to fifth. In a hundred and seventy years, that list has hardly moved. One château was added, the very next year. One was promoted, in nineteen seventy-three, after decades of waiting. Decades. And you overrule it in four seconds, with your thumb.

Now. Take out your telephone. Open the little app. What does it say about the bottle? I will wait.

Four point two stars. From whom? From a man in a car park who drank it out of the bottle. An emperor asked the brokers of Bordeaux. You asked a man in a car park. How dare you.

Some people will say to me, Admiral, thousands of people have rated this wine. Thousands of people also sing at weddings. I do not let them conduct the orchestra.

I know what you did on Saturday. Eleven minutes in the shop, holding your telephone up to the labels like a customs officer, while a man who has tasted every bottle on that wall stood three metres away. You did not ask him.

Listen. It wants you to rate the wine. You have not opened the wine.

François. The telephone, please.

Tomorrow, you will walk into a wine shop, tell the person behind the counter what you are eating, and let them choose. Out loud. You have nobody else to talk to. I have seen your messages.

I have spoken. I am the Admiral. Good night.