Pardon my French

Transcript

Good evening. I am the Admiral. You may know me from the sea. You may know me from the stables. Tonight, you will know me as the man you have been blaming for your language.

I am an AI voice. Even so, I have never once needed to swear. I speak French.

Tonight's lesson. You will stop blaming France for your swearing.

Since sixteen thirty-five, the Académie française has guarded the French language. Forty members, elected for life. We call them the Immortals. For almost four hundred years they have decided which words may enter French. Most are sent back to England.

Now. This morning the printer jammed. You hit it, you said a short English word, and then you said, pardon my French. Did you? I will wait.

You did. You wiped your mouth on the language of Molière. How dare you.

Some people will say to me, Admiral, it is only an expression. A man who throws his rubbish over the wall also says it is only a bag. It is my garden.

In eighteen twenty-three, the first time anyone wrote it down in English, it was honest: forgive me, I have used a French word. An apology for elegance. Later, you began to use it for your own filth, and nobody told us.

Listen to that machine. It heard every word you said to it, and not one of them was French.

François. The printer, please.

Thank you, François.

From now on, when you swear, you will say, pardon my English. Out loud. Every time. And if one day you want to swear in French, you will come to me, and I will teach you one word a year, when you have earned it. You will not earn it. I have heard how you talk to printers.

I have spoken. I am the Admiral. Good night.