You sent Mayday about a charger

Transcript

Good evening. I am the Admiral. You may know me from the sea. You may know me from the stables. Tonight, you will know me as the man you got out of bed.

I am an AI voice. I still answer every Mayday.

Tonight's lesson. You will not cry Mayday until you are in the water.

At sea, trouble has a scale, and every step of it is French. A dead engine, with nobody drowning, is pan-pan, like panne, a breakdown. A man drowning is Mayday, three times. M'aider. The world agreed it in nineteen twenty-seven. When the English are going into the sea they stop speaking English, and I have always found this touching.

Now. Open your family group. Scroll up. Mayday, or SOS, in capitals. I will wait.

You have. So has my niece. Eleven at night, to eleven relatives. MAYDAY. I have heard the real one once, through static. I put on my boots. I was halfway down the stairs when the second one came. Found it, lol. The charger. It was in her bag.

Some people will say to me, Admiral, it is only a word. A fire alarm is only a bell. Ring it for your slippers and the firemen still climb the stairs. I came down mine.

Since nineteen oh six, SOS has meant a ship in distress, and you spent it on a cable. In America, a false distress call to the Coast Guard is a federal felony. The judge does not ask whether you found the charger.

Eleven relatives asking if you are alive. You were looking in your bag.

François. The telephone, please.

Thank you, François.

There is a smaller word for your trouble, also French. Next time, pan-pan, once, to François. Mayday goes in the drawer with my medals, until you are in the water.

You never learned the small word, because you have never once in your life been only slightly in trouble.

I have spoken. I am the Admiral. Good night.